An ANT Invasion!

Have you ever seen one ant in your house and then, all of a sudden, there are hundreds of them.

I was just reading Dr. Daniel Amen’s book, “Magnificent Mind At Any Age”, and he spoke of Automatic Negative Thoughts, thoughts that come into your mind unconsciously and send you into a tailspin.  He calls them ANTs.

And much like those pesky insects, when you have one ANT (Automatic Negative Thought) many seem to follow.  Why?

He explains that your physiology actually changes every time you have a thought. 

His brain imaging studies have demonstrated that your brain releases a certain set of chemicals each and every time you have a thought.

Positive thoughts produce chemicals that make you feel good.

Negative thoughts discharge chemicals that make you feel bad. 

One of his studies showed harmful thoughts actually deactivated both a woman’s cerebellum, the back bottom part of the brain that plays an important role in your physical coordination as well as her left temporal lobe, which when disengaged makes you more likely to get irritated.

Talk about how your thoughts create your entire reality.

He mentions 9 different Automatic Negative Thoughts, they are…

1)  Always or never thinking:  Overgeneralizing a situation.  These thoughts usually begin with words like, always, never, everyone or every time.

2)  Focusing on the negative: Preoccupying your attention on what is going wrong in a situation and ignoring everything that could be construed as positive.

3)  Fortune-telling:  Predicting the outcome of an experience or situation as the worst possible and as impossible to overcome.

4)  Mind Reading:  Arbitrarily believing you know what another person thinks, even though they have not told you.

5)  Thinking with Your Feelings:  Believing your negative feelings without ever questioning them.

6)  Guilt Beatings:  Thinking with words like should, must, ought, or have to that produce feelings of guilt.

7)  Labeling:  Attaching a negative label to yourself or others.

8)  Personalization:  Allowing innocuous thoughts to take on a personal meaning.

9)  Blame:  Blaming others for the problems in your life.

So what can we do?  We have one negative thought and all of a sudden there’s an entire army of negative thoughts traipsing through our mind.

As many of you know, on my path to being my own Wingman, I’ve become passionate about finding strategies to wipe those negative thoughts out and turn them around. 

Thankfully, Dr. Amen gives them as well.  He credits Byron Katie with developing a technique to help us question our negative thoughts and actually turn them around.

Katie calls it “The Work” and says we must question our negative thoughts and then turn them around.  She offers these four questions:

1)  Is it true?
      Say you are in a disagreement with your child or your parent and you feel he/she’s         not listening to you. The thought may get exaggerated to… He never listens to me!

      Well, it certainly feels true at that moment!

2)  Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

      Well, not exactly. 

      It’s certainly not entirely true; he listens to me sometimes, just not this time.

3)  How do I react when I believe that thought?

      I get defensive, irritable and “pissy” towards him. 

      I’ll start saying stuff I don’t believe just to make a point. 
      I become someone I don’t even like.

4)  Who would I be without the thought?

     Or how would I feel if I didn’t have the thought?

      I feel like I’d be my normal positive thinking self, the me I love when I’m 

      appreciating things, when I’m seeing solutions instead of problems, when I’m 

      seeing what’s going right in the situation and building from there.

The turnarounds…

·         My son always listens to me.  Hmmm. Not sure that’s exactly true.

·         I never listen to my son.  Ohhhh noooo, I don’t think I want to go there.

·         It’s great my son and I get together and talk, even though at times we  

          may disagree and get upset with each other.  This one I like!

Questioning my negative thoughts and turning them around is certainly one way to practice seeing who I am, and more importantly, who I want to be.

Being as we are human, ANTs, Automatic Negative Thoughts will always have potential to run amuck through our minds.  It’s best to have a plan, an ANTeater, so to speak.

Best of luck with your practice.

Thanks for letting me be your wingman today.

In Appreciation,

Michael

Welcoming a New Year.

I always love the beginning of a new year. A fresh start. A clean slate. 
A time to think about how I want the next period of my life to unfold. 
And if I’ve learned anything since launching BeYourOwnWingman.com, it’s that it pays to think about what you want to bring into your life. 
You want a better paying job, a healthier body, a more loving relationship…
it all starts with your thoughts.


I know you’ve heard this before but I can’t emphasize it enough. 
Positive thoughts bring positive results. 
Find something to be happy about so you can get some momentum going in your favor.  Yes, it really is that simple.

The problem is, if you’re anything like me, sometimes you get distracted. 
Your mind wonders into the darker places of your past and inertia keeps you there. 
And your new year ends up being a lot like your old year.

I can help you change that.  I can help you start bringing more positives into your life, and at the same time you can help me do the same.  Because when we do things together we create a better synergy.

But it will take some practice.  The good news is I’m really good at coming up with fun practices to help myself and others.  Like years ago when I coached my daughter’s soccer team and had them playing kickball without using their hands. The girls were having so much fun they didn’t even realize how much they were improving their footwork.

If you can stick with me, if you can keep your discipline rolling, if you can have a little consistency and join me in my practices, I believe together, we will bring more positive energy into our lives and those around us.  It’s been working for me really well, and I look forward to it continuing.

So let’s begin today. 

Please join me (spiritually only, as I will be hanging in sweats all day) for what has become one of my favorite days…Vision Board Day, the day in which I begin to deliberately think about what I want this new chapter in my life to look like, and therefore become.
 
Why? 
Because a vision board is a tool (I use a poster board) to help clarify and maintain focus for what you want to have happen in your life this year. The idea behind it is to identify your vision, give it clarity and keep your attention on your intentions throughout the year.

I’ve done a vision board the past two years and, looking back at both posters, I’m amazed at the results. I see pictures of my desires and count how many have come true. This is one practice I now look forward to doing every year. 

Here’s how we do it in my house.  It’s like Arts and Crafts, Wingman style.

1) We consciously envision our desires and cut out pictures and text from magazines that represent them.  They can be as concrete as a picture of your favorite car or as intangible as a better, more loving relationship. 
2) We now attach them to poster board in any way we choose. Some people may have 2 or 3 pictures, some may just use one or two words, others may fill the poster completely.  This is your vision board. Do it how you like.
3) Post or place your vision board where you will see it every day.
4) Relax and let it unfold.

Now that’s what I call a great start to the New Year.

Thanks for allowing me to be your Wingman today.
In Appreciation,
Michael

The Law of Inertia

 

The Law of Inertia declares,
“an object in motion stays in motion, an object at rest stays at rest.”
This scientific law was explained by Sir Isaac Newton in the late 1600s and is considered his first law of motion.
It's also a very apt description of our lives.

It is the reason when things are going great in my life, and in yours, it is easier to keep it going great.
Much like the law of attraction, the better it gets, the better it gets.
Of course it follows, the worse it gets, the worse it gets.

Why?
Because inertia does not care whether things are going right for you, or wrong for you. It simply states that unless an energy with more force is applied to the situation to change that movement, things will continue to move in the same direction.
How clean is that?

All I have to do then, and you as well, is get a little positive momentum going, and by law of inertia, without doing anything more, my positive momentum will continue, and continue.
And it will continue to grow like a snow ball rolling down a hill.
I am amazed at how much easier life can be with the wind at your back.
All you have to do is get the positive momentum started.

Einstein once said, "Nothing happens until something moves".
Being your own wingman is all about finding that spark and letting inertia take over. Get something, anything moving for yourself in a positive way
and allow it to continue. 
I've heard it said, a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step,
well, here's an easy first step.
Think about what you want and allow your thoughts to "marinate".
We all know how one small idea can grow, if we allow it.

Here’s the problem. It works both ways.
If you’re in a negative place right now,
the law of inertia will keep that negativity growing.

Failure is not the falling down, but the staying down.

We all have fallen and allowed ourselves to stay down because it is easier to do so. That's the thing about inertia, it's easier to keep things moving in whatever direction they are currently moving.

Great news when things are going great. Lousy news when they're not.

Somehow, you must find or provide that spark of energy to change that movement, to get the ball rolling in a more positive direction.
Be that spark.

Maybe it's helping someone else.
Maybe it's just taking a walk or getting some exercise.
Maybe it's doing something that you've been putting off.
Maybe it's facing that problem you've been avoiding.
Maybe it's just asking yourself, "what's going right in my life"?

Do something, anything that gets your momentum moving in a positive direction, and let the law of inertia, Sir Isaac Newton's first law of motion take over.

Thanks for allowing me to be your wingman today.

In Appreciation,

Michael

Thanksgiving morning

My car died thanksgiving morning as I returned from my morning walk in the woods.  And so began my day of giving thanks. 

As a flood of negative thoughts invaded my mind, the one that made the most sense to me at that moment was a practice I developed and speak about with my individual coaching clients and at corporate training presentations.  

I call it Hocus, Pocus, Change My Focus and while it doesn't have a very corporate sounding name, the feedback I get from executives and employees is very positive. 

I decided if I was going to have an enjoyable thanksgiving I better "practice what I preach" so I sat right down and thought, "What would my wingman say"? 

As I had been walking with a trusted friend and wingman, I didn't have to wait long.

"Well, you said you were looking for a sign about your car, you certainly got one." 

Hmmm.  Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but not a bad start either.  I have had some issues with this car over the last couple of years and, while my gut instinct has told me to get rid of it, my habit of procrastination has kept it in my driveway.   

Just like Abraham says, if you have a situation, and you avoid dealing with it, don't worry, it will get bigger.  Truer words were never said concerning my car. 

Once you finally accept this fact you will find you begin to deal with any procrastination you have.  For some of us, it just takes a little longer.  

People often ask me, “how”? 

How can I see a positive when my car is sitting there, broken down, needing to be towed, and will probably cost more than I have currently available to get back on the road? 

As my own wingman, I now know the answer.  Practice!

A positive attitude does not happen overnight. 

But if you begin practicing tonight, I assure you, tomorrow will look a little bit better.  

Let me give you an example of how you might practice in this specific situation. 

Being as its thanksgiving, it's a good time to learn. 

You start by finding something positive, anything you can be thankful for.

My car was in a very safe spot, no one was hurt and

I knew I had some time to think of the best way to handle this ordeal. 

Wow!  Did I just come up with three positives? 

Watch out world, I'm on my way.   

I had been looking for a sign and here I just received one.

I will have the car towed to the dealership, have them fix it and even though the car is out of warranty, have them help me with the cost because it has been a problematic car and they will want to do right by me.

I will then give this car back to the dealership in exchange for fair market value.

My daughter, because she works in the city, is now moving into the city and was looking for a way to save money.  She will not need her car as much so I will share her car with her, thus saving us both money. 

Wow!  I’m almost glad this happened.  NOT! 

Folks, let’s not get crazy here. 

I'm in no way saying I'm glad my car broke down. 

However, I am saying when you can learn to find something, anything to be positive about; somehow you will begin to get more things to be positive about. 

Perhaps it is, as Dr. Wayne Dyer says,

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”. 

Or perhaps science has a better explanation with its Law of Inertia,

which states… An object in motion stays in motion, an object at rest stays at rest.   

When you are in a "positive" motion,

by definition, you tend to stay in positive motion.

That's it.  There it is, wrapped up nice and easy for you. 

            1.  Find something, anything to be positive about.

            2.  Let the Law of Inertia take it from there. 

                 As you surround yourself with a more positive vibe,

                 you will attract more positive energy, helping you feel more positive.

            3. If something unexpected happens and changes your feeling,

                repeat step 1. 

I hope you found much to be thankful for as this holiday season began.

I know I did. 

Thank you for allowing me to be your Wingman today.

In Appreciation,

Mike

Michael Yale Seletsky

A wingman succumbed to his physical battle a week ago.  He was a great friend to many.

Strange, for I feel I’ve spoken with him often these past few days. 
I find his words and mannerisms being part of me. 
I notice I’m smiling a bit more as I think of him.

Michael had that effect on you as he stared into your eyes, hearing your every word. 

When I was with Michael, I saw my world as a better place. 
If you had met him, you would know what I mean.

We wouldn’t be done the first course before solutions made problems disappear.

By dessert, and Michael did love a great dessert, we'd be laughing hysterically. 
But always there was a sense of calm.

One late night, many years ago, as evening turned to morning, I met up with Michael.  Not surprisingly, we were soon in his car going to a pancake house. 

As we got out of the car, there in the parking lot, we were ambushed by five drunk and angry guys. 

As I felt the fear rising within me, I’ll never forget his words. 

“Just relax, it will be ok, I’ve got this.  Can you hold my coat?”

I only had to hold it for what seemed like seconds, as Michael dispersed of them powerfully and efficiently.  As I handed him back his coat, I actually felt like I had assisted.  Like holding his coat was an important part of what needed to be done.

That was the essence of Michael; he would always carry the load but make you feel indispensible.  

I will always remember that feeling…

As George Eliot said, “Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them”.

Michael will never be forgotten by those of us who were fortunate to have known him.

We’ll always remember how his physical presence would fill a room and his laughter would fill our hearts with joy.

Michael was a true wingman though, and I believe his spirit was far greater then any physical body could contain.  I know I felt him this morning as I walked through the woods, and feel him now as I write these words. 

I don’t eat pancakes much any more, but I often think back to that night, especially in times of stress.  Now however, it’s his confidence I feel permeating my being.

“Just relax, it will be ok, I’ve got this.” And with him as my wingman, I know I do.  

I know I speak for many when I say...

“Thank you, Michael, thank you for being such a fantastic Wingman”. 

It is my honor to present a Wingman of the week award to Michael Yale Seletsky. 

In Appreciation,

Mike

Panic Point

Lately I’ve been reading a lot about people physically getting sick as they approach an exciting opportunity for growth.  I’ve seen it termed an upper limit or a terror barrier.

It’s that point where your nerves overtake your exhilaration of the moment.  It happens to all of us, whether you’re a big time professional, or a child entering their first day of school.  It happens in little league and it happens in the World Series.  It happens in local theatre and it happens on Broadway.  You’re scared stiff. 

It’s when fear takes over and pushes all your enthusiasm for the moment aside.

I call it your Panic Point. 

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear."  Mark Twain
                                                                                   

Do you understand?  There is always fear.  We all get scared.  And while it’s easy for me to say don’t let fear stop you, when that moment arises, and you feel your heart pounding and your stomach rising up into your throat, that is your time.  If you don’t define it, it will define you.

“If you are going to go through hell, keep going."  Sir Winston Churchill

Easier said then done.  Keep going, but how? 

How do we keep going when our anxiety has our feet rooted to the ground? 

How do we practice courage in the face of fear?

One way I’ve found to practice is to visualize the moment.  Not by dreaming about it but by preparing for it.  Visualize how you want the moment to go.  Think about it.  Plan it. 

Too many of us let our fear take control, and get so consumed with it that we forget to prepare. 

Remember taking your driver’s test when you were a teenager?  Remember the fear building up inside you?  Who wasn’t scared as the instructor entered your car?  

But you were prepared because you had practiced.  You practiced turning and braking and parking, and when it came time to parallel park, even though your hands were sweating and you couldn’t catch your breath, you did it. You did it because you couldn’t wait to drive.  You beat down your fear and afterward were laughing about it with friends.

That’s how fear is.  You build it up so much in your mind you just want to run away.  But just like passing your driving test, or any challenge you encounter, fear is like a smoky fog, and preparation the strong wind blowing it away.

Preparation breeds confidence, and confidence generates courage, and courage masters fear.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.”

Each occasion brings you another opportunity to practice, and on the path to being your own Wingman, practice and preparation are vital.

Thanks for letting me be your wingman today.

In Appreciation,  Mike

The Owl...

The Owl...

"Be cool this morning Monte,” I said to my dog, “I want to see something". 
He'll often chase away deer before I can I get a real look at them.

Immediately, the Owl to my left called me over.
As many of you know, to hear an Owl is one thing, to see one, so much rarer. 
This one called me straight to him. 

Over our morning juice I told my wife about the owl.  "What's so amazing, you're in the woods, you see owls."  "Not like this", I replied. 
Clearly I had been expecting a different reaction.

"Do you recall my conversation with Bill, the insurance executive at that big meeting I attended last month?  I know this sounds a bit strange but I feel like I had the same conversation today with the owl?

"Really, tell me about it." I think I saw her reach for her phone and start dialing 911.

“Remember, I had thanked him for inviting me to the meeting and expressed some doubts about some business issues”.

He replied, "Don't worry, it will all work out, you'll see" in such a way, I felt I was being inducted into some kind of secret society.
My "conversation" today with the owl was the same. 
In his hooting, I heard, "Don't worry, it will all work out, you'll see".

"Perhaps you should wash the kitchen floor."
That was my wife's way of saying I'm losing it and need to do something productive.  Generational wisdom passed down through the years.
At least she put down the phone.

"Ok", I said dropping it, but I knew more research was needed. I had another meeting scheduled with Bill, my straight laced insurance executive friend, so, at the risk of really being institutionalized; I mentioned the owl story to him.

"You know Mike, I'm from the country and I've seen a few owls… but I'll tell you something, there are things in our world many people don't ever get to see, but we know they are there".

"I know” I said way too excitedly, for at that moment I was certain he was speaking of angels, wingmen and wise owls.  Or was it something else entirely? 
I never got to ask, for at that moment he was called away and our conversation ended.

I returned home, picked up the mop, and started on the kitchen floor.

Thanks for allowing me to be your wingman today.

In Appreciation, Mike