My Old Friend Vance

With Barnum and Bailey bringing their 3 ring circus to my town this week, I found myself readying to join the many families who love the "greatest show on earth". I decided to go over early, and watch them setting up. As I walked around, enjoying the many sights and sounds, I ran into Vance, an old friend, one of the many performers who has been working with for Ringling Brothers since 1984. I met him about 18 years ago when I first visited with my children. While he seemed to have put on a few pounds, he looked majestic in his circus garb.

I was so happy to see him, but after visiting with him for a bit, was saddened to see he still had the same issues he's been carrying around for these past two decades. Like so many of us, Vance had been conditioned since a young age to respond a certain way and was unable to pull away from those issues that kept him stuck. Since discovering my path to becoming my own wingman, I’m thrilled how quickly I can now spot someone who is still tied to some past limiting belief. We’ve all been there though, and of course it’s easier to see when it’s not ourselves who are stuck, when it’s not us who have given up trying.
Henry Ford’s words, "Whether you believe you can, or you can't, you are right" rung so clear to me yet again as I hung around Vance.

Gavin de Becker explains the dynamics of learned helplessness in his book, "The Gift of Fear, Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence,"

"You'll never amount to anything"; "You can't sing"; You're not smart enough"; You're a loser"; "You should have more realistic goals"; "You're the reason our marriage broke up"; You're worthless". These criticisms are heard in so many homes around the world, and of course more damaging are the words we say to ourselves. “I’m so stupid”; “I’m such a failure”; “I can’t do it”. These statements are like stakes driven into the ground, with heavy chains attached, and we all reach the point where we believe we can not pull free. And at that point, we can’t”, for when we believe we can't, we can't.

"Unless and until something changes their view, unless they grasp the striking fact that they are tied with a thread, that the chain is an illusion, that they were fooled, and ultimately, that whoever so fooled them was wrong about them and that they were wrong about themselves-- unless all this happens, these children are not likely to show society their positive attributes as adults."

Seeing Vance, I would have liked to show him that the “chain” that was holding him back was nothing more than a thin rope and he could break it with one strong step forward.

By this point it was clear to me I would not be able to help him, but hopefully this message can help you break free of those deceptive shackles that are keeping you stuck.

You see Vance is an elephant, and his behavior, which is known as “conditioned response”, works like this…
"The way circus elephants are trained demonstrates this dynamic well: When young, they are attached by heavy chains to large stakes driven deep into the ground. They pull and yank and strain and struggle, but the chain is too strong, the stake too rooted. One day they give up, having learned that they cannot pull free, and from that day forward they can be "chained" with a slender rope. When this enormous animal feels any resistance, even though it has the strength to pull the whole circus tent over, it stops trying.”

So I ask you, have you been “conditioned” to respond a certain way? Are you holding onto harmful memories? Is the “chain” that is holding you back from your goals really just a slender rope?

Today’s wingman practice…
1. Question any and all beliefs that may be holding you back.
2. Give it just one more try and see if it really is an unbreakable restraint.
3. If it doesn’t work, try once more.
4. Look to see if there are any “baby steps” you can take. Think Tim Robbins as Andy Dufresne in “Shawshank Redemption” and how it took him almost 20 years to free himself from his prison.
5. Start taking those baby steps.

Thanks for allowing me to be your wingman today.
In Appreciation,
Michael

A Groundhog Day Recipe

Yesterday was Groundhog Day so it was no surprise when I sat down and turned on the television, the movie Groundhog Day was just beginning. This beloved comedy stars Bill Murray as Phil Connors, a self centered, obnoxious TV weatherman who, much to his distress, must go to Punxsutawney, Pa. for the annual ritual of the groundhog coming out and "predicting" the weather.

Due to cosmic forces and good Hollywood writing, Phil ends up in his own personal hell, reliving this day over and over and over again for an undetermined amount of time. This got me thinking about how we, as humans, get stuck in our own endless loop, and how we allow our own thoughts and beliefs, to keep us there.

Much like in the movie, when we do nothing different in our own lives, the days and events of our existence don't ever seem to change. Phil Connors goes from bewilderment to despair to boredom to hopelessness, much as we do, each in our own way, resigned to the repetitiveness of our own reality.

The experiences that unfold each and every minute of Phil’s same day, reflect our own journey and feelings of being trapped by the sameness of our condition.

He begins to realize he can change his day by changing his attitude, his behavior and his habits. Instead of allowing his situation to continue to dictate how he feels, he takes control of his circumstances, and begins to embrace the opportunities this time loop has given him.

He finally begins to live each day, and not only becomes a talented piano player and ice sculptor, but also, a fantastic wingman to the various townspeople who need him, be it catching a boy falling from a tree, fixing a tire for older women in need, or saving a choking man by doing the Heimlich maneuver.

Again, as I watched this story unfold, I was mesmerized by how this movie so perfectly reflected what so many of us allow to become our lives.

As Paulo Coelho once said,
                 “We can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one”

By repeating our past habits, our days become so similar; it’s as if we are living each day over and over again, much like Phil Connors.

As we watch him giving his television forecast for the umpteenth time, we finally see his evolvement.

"When Chekhov saw the long winter, he saw a winter bleak and dark and bereft of hope. Yet we know that winter is just another step in the cycle of life. But standing here among the people of Punxsutawney and basking in the warmth of their hearths and hearts, I couldn't imagine a better fate than a long and lustrous winter."

Surely, these are not the words of a man who sees his life as one long monotonous cycle.

So here, in this little romantic comedy about one day in the life of a bored and bitter man, we are given a recipe for a full and meaningful life.

For Phil Connors, it was helping others, connecting with community, studying new skills and learning more about himself. Much like Phil, our journey is to find our own recipe for delivering us from where we stand today, into our own rich and meaningful tomorrows.

You don’t need to become a jazz pianist or ice sculptor overnight. But, by changing one habit, one encounter or one experience, maybe your groundhog won’t see his shadow this year, and your spring will come a bit earlier.

Thanks for allowing me to be your wingman today.
In Appreciation,
Michael